Spreading the News

Megan, over at bottoms off and on the table, had a great post telling her IVF story and wishing she could share that with her family.  It got me to thinking about one of the things I’ve grappled with over the past year of decisions, treatments, and disappointments – what to tell to whom.   LG and I have made very different decisions on that front.  I am extremely close to my mother and sister, and so they have known right from the start and have been great about asking me how things are going and providing support.  My sister, in particular, has a true gift for knowing exactly what needs to be in said in the moment – whether that’s just to provide a listening ear, to offer advice or support, or even to gently bring me back on track when I’m spinning a bit.  I am incredibly grateful for this as I know from reading other people’s blogs that so many people aren’t able to get that kind of support from their families.

I’ve also been pretty open about things at work…almost to a fault sometimes.  Part of that is that I’m just a pretty open person, but another big part is that while I can keep secrets like a vault when it comes to other people (a job requirement in HR), I have a hard time holding onto my own secrets.  They rattle around in my head until the slightest little thing said by someone else triggers the floodgates.  If someone asks me a direct question – I’m done for.  If I ever find myself on a witness stand (heaven forbid), I will wither and crumble under the first “Isn’t it true…”

During my first cycle, my boss as well as most of the people on my team were aware not only about our difficulties, but also that I was in the midst of an IVF cycle.   The reason for this was the thought of having to hide things or make up excuses for why I couldn’t travel the way I typically do made me more anxious than telling them did.  Having the reality of the situation out there just made the whole thing easier in my mind.  As time has gone on though, I’ve become much less comfortable with people knowing.  This was driven home after my first BFN when people would ask about it, and I’d have to put on a perky smile and blather some BS like “didn’t work this time, but we’re keeping our spirits up…!”  As a result, I’ve gone underground.  My boss knows about the upcoming cycle, but that’s about it.

LG, on the other hand, has told NO ONE.  Not even his sister who he talks to on the phone several times a week.  She’s knows we’re trying, so probably figures something is up, but they follow the family equivalent of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell when it comes to each other’s personal life.  That is so incredibly foreign to me just as it is mindblowing to him (although he’s getting used to it) that my mom, sister, and I provide each other nearly daily bulletins on all things big and small.   He just takes a very different approach when it comes to sharing any thing beyond his opinions on great guitarists and current events.  Knowing that about him makes me all the more grateful for how open he is when communicating with me.  It makes me appreciate how special it is that he’s chosen to share himself with me in that way.

So, this time around, I’m going to take the middle road between LG’s communication style and mine – limiting the news to my mom and sister, my boss, and then of course, the Internets.  I’m so grateful to everyone who’s stopped by and especially those who’ve left comments.  Many of you are cycling at the same time, and I look forward to following your journeys and cheering you on.

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5 Responses

  1. Hey. Thanks for the shout out! I envy your relationship with your mom and your sister. Besides Internet friends, I only have one person that I am completely open with, a former coworker who is going through the *exact* same thing. I worry what will happen to our relationship once one of us become pregnant. I know we will be happy for eachother, but pregnancy can change a friendship in these situations!!!

    Good luck on your next cycle!

  2. I totally know what you mean about how do you figure out who to tell, who not to tell. I never know if what I am doing it right on that front. I could acutally write a post about this too. It is such hard thing to not tell sometimes. Sometimes I just want to blurt it out to the world, but then in the next second I don’t want anyone to know. But, when a BFN comes then at least I don’t have to talk about it if I don’t want to. I think it is great that you can tell your mom and sister and they are supportive in just the right way for you! That is awesome!

  3. Ventured over from Cycle Sista and wanted to wish you lots of luck!

  4. I have the same relationship with my mom and brother actually. Although my brother sometimes thinks its TMI (too much info) he listens and supports as much as he can. I definitely think we are blessed with that. And, I am laughing because my DH is just like yours. Very quiet and really just keeps things between us. We have told his parents, but its not a priortity to him to keep them up to date like it is for me and my mom. Its too funny. I wish you a lot of luck and if you ever want to talk, I am here.

    ICLW

  5. Nobody in our families know about anything, but we’ve told a few friends over the years. For this most recent IVF, we told far fewer people than with IVF #1, and it was so much better. The couple of people that we did tell only occurred because they asked us directly. It’s funny, though, because I like to think that in other areas I’m very honest and open, but with IF I am sooo secretive.

    I think Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is a horrible policy in most aspects of life but it sounds good to me when it comes to family and TTC.

    Happy ICLW!

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