Idiot, Me

Against all my better judgement, I was compelled to POAS last night… a mere 7dp3dt.  I know, I know… what was I thinking.  (In case anyone is wondering whether I’m one of the lucky ones who always seem to be posting on the fertility boards that they got a BFP a mere 3 or 4 days (or in my case 7 days) after retrieval…I’m not.)

I have little I can offer by way of excuse, but by way of story, I blame it all on LG.  🙂

Up until last night, there wasn’t a thought in my mind about testing early.  The 2WW has been pretty manageable this time…I think because of ICLW, and because I have been slammed at work and don’t have time to do much of anything beyond crunching spreadsheets.

I had my plan – I would test on Sunday morning, which would give me a full day to grapple with the results of a BFN (should that be the case) before hearing the official word while at work on Monday.  This is what I did last cycle, and it made hearing the news – while still incredibly difficult – much more manageable and kept me from embarassing myself at work with a great display of pathos.  The only wrinkle in this plan is that my mom is in town and staying with us on Saturday night, so she’d be here for the big pee festivities.  That’s not a huge deal to me, but if it’s positive, I would want LG and I to be able to share and celebrate with just the two of us, and if it’s negative, same thing – it should be just us in that moment (quickly followed by you guys, of course).

So, yesterday, after we got home from work, LG says the words that never bode well – “Can I tell you something without you getting mad?”  To which I promptly answered, “probably not, but give it a whirl.”  (No false promises, here!)  Well, turns out, he’d been thinking the same thing about testing with my mom here and wanted me to skip it.  We had a conversation about how I needed to know so I could pre-prepare myself.   Since I’d been having the same thoughts anyway, we agreed that I would test after my mom leaves mid-afternoon.  Maybe not as accurate as first thing in the morning and doesn’t give me as much time, but should certainly do.

But (and here’s where this becomes all his fault), the mere conversation put the whole notion of POAS’ing in my head and it wouldn’t go away.  It was like one of those earworms – you know when a song gets stuck in your head.  I was unable to ignore the siren song, so next thing you know I’m drawers down using my last HPT.  (FRER for those keeping track at home).  Of course, it was negative!! 

I’m actually OK with it as I know it was way too early, so the little Hope Addict within rebounded pretty quickly.  The thing is, now it’s very very top of mind and I have to resist the pee stick for four more days.  Truth be told, I’m not that good at self denial.  That’s why I “give up” Twizzlers 4 times a week only to be drawn back for more. 

Well, at least I have the spreadsheets at work to distract me…

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7 Responses

  1. that damn HPT. it always lures us in…. hang in there 🙂

  2. Too early – hang on in there! But I always found when I started talking about HPT’s one would always find it’s way into my hand!

    ICLW

  3. Oh hang in there…and try not to torture yourself anymore! No more POAS until Sunday!

  4. We’ve all been guilty of early, excessive testing. It’s an addiction! I’ve had to stop keeping sticks to pee on, on hand to prevent needless testing. I do hope your testing on Sunday gives you your much deserved BFP!!!!

  5. I’m a Twizzler adict, too. Not red vines, twizzlers!

    Just 48 more hours – yooooou can dooooo it! ICLW

  6. I can’t resist myself. I’m sure if my husband left a stick like object (pen, straw etc) in the bathroom I’d pee on that too. Hope you see positive on the next one…

  7. I can’t tell you how many HP tests I’ve purchased. I finally started buying the 2-packs, after realizing I always tested too early. Yet, sometimes I’d psychotically pee on two sticks in one morning. You know, maybe one was faulty, right?
    Keep us posted.
    Peace.

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