Heartbroken

Apologies in advance for the rambling/ranting nature of this post. 

We are heartbroken.  From start to finish, this time was so much harder than the first.  When our first IVF/ICSI didn’t work, we consoled ourselves with the thought that we would have been lucky to have it work on the first time, so while the failure was hard, we put it into perspective fairly quickly.  This time, I am reeling.  The entire cycle starting with the Lupron fueled fights through our poor fertilization results and then the phone call that always seems to start with “Unfortunately…” has taken its toll.

Now that we have 2 failed attempts under our belt, my mind can’t help but wander into that territory of what if this doesn’t happen for us.  I know it’s still relatively early in the journey and that there are so many stories of people having success on try #3 or #4 or even beyond, but, honestly, I’m fighting to retain any hope. 

Part of what is so frustrating to me is that our diagnosis remains “unexplained.”  In every test they do with the exception of LG’s morphology, our results are textbook.  Even that, the number is normal – just on the lower end, and we’re using ICSI, so it shouldn’t be a factor.  All of that makes it hard to know what to do next.  Is there more testing that can and should be done?  I know some people go the immunology testing route (which my clinic doesn’t seem to really believe in), but I thought that came into play when the issue was not necessarily getting pregnant but rather carrying to term.  (I could be very very wrong on that as it’s not something I’ve researched yet, so if anyone has insight, I would love to hear it.)  I know there are emerging advancements around testing of the embryos (CGH), but my understanding on that is that you have to have a certain number of viable embryos make it to Day 5, which we’ve never come close to.  

 That all leaves us….where?  What can we possibly do differently on Cycle #3 to have a different outcome?  LG thinks that we should force it to Day 5.  Even if we have fewer quality embryos than our clinic recommends (they want at least 5 high quality embryos at Day 3), he wants to push through and see what we get and he’s willing to take the chance that that there could be nothing to transfer.  I just don’t know.  The thought of having three at Day 3 that might be viable like we did this time and then waiting and possibly ending up with nothing seems like such a waste, but then again, this outcome can certainly be categorized as a waste as well.

I’m angry, I’m confused, I’m sad, and I’m losing hope.

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14 Responses

  1. I’m so sorry Callie! My heart breaks for you and my thougths are with you…

    ((hugs))

  2. My thoughts are with you as you and LG process through all the emotions and anxiety of the next steps.

    hugs…

  3. I am so, so sorry.

  4. Oh Callie, I am so, so sorry. Multiple negatives feels like an exponential weight. I wish I could hug you right now. 😦

  5. I am so so sorry. IVF failure is devastating.

    I had one failed IVF and one miscarriage FET. We had to set a limit, b/c we knew we could only take so much and did one more IVF.
    hugs,
    Take some time to grieve.

  6. I am so sorry to read this news. Knowing what to do next will be clearer later — at least it was for my DH and I. So give it a little time, investigate possibilities, and I do hope you can find a plan forward you both agree upon.

  7. I am just so, so sorry. I know everything seems completely overwhelming right now — so many powerful emotions. A negative is a kind of loss, so take time to grieve, take care of yourself and take everything one step at a time. You and LG will find the right path, and you WILL have hope again. Take good care — thinking of you.

  8. sorry to read the news. pls dont give up. i havent given up and this is my 6th cycle of 2 week’s wait. I got a bfp for my first child with my first cycle, i am not in my 5th fresh ivf cycle, trying for no. 2.

    i wish you all the success in ur next cycle, meanwhile take the time to do tthe things u like…. like jumping around, drinking wine, pursue a goal…. etc..

  9. opps, i meant to say i am currently in my 5th fresh ivf cycle. 😉

  10. I’m so sorry Callie, this is not how many of us imagined ivf would turn out, it’s so frustrating and heartbreaking.

    I know a couple of ladies at my clinic doing the Endometrial Function Test (EFT) by dr.Kliman at Yale. My clinic in GA sends the samples off to them. Its different than the standard endo biopsy, it’s basically a mock FET protocol. Maybe worth looking into for someone with unexplained multiple ivf failures. http://www.med.yale.edu/obgyn/kliman/infertility/dx/diagwelcome.html

    Huggggggs! Take care of yourself!

  11. Your frustration is understandable. I had two failed fresh cycles, a chemical pregnancy with my frozen cycle, and so far, success with my third IVF (15 weeks along). We changed my protocol from antagonist (my first two cycles) to lupron micro flare (though I technically wasn’t a poor responder) for my 3rd IVF. It made all the difference, so I would definately push for a different protocol, something to shake your body up. I am convinced (this from a woman armed with enough information to be very dangerous) that a five day transfer made all the difference for me. My two pregnancies (frozen and 3rd IVF) all resulted from 5 day transfers, the first two IVFs were 3 day transfers. I absolutely insisted on it this time around though I only had five embryos. Please also request testing. You’re correct that immune testing is routinely for multiple miscarriages, but request it anyway. Also chromosomal testing. You just never know what could be going on and this is the perfect time to find out.

    Most importantly, hang in there. It ain’t over, seriously. There should be a special VIP lounge in heaven for those of us with multiple IVF failures, but until then, arm yourself with questions and get the best answers you can.

  12. I’m so very sorry. I’m here from LFCA and your post just made me ache for you.

  13. There’s an award on my blog for you…know that your honesty is much admired!

    Hope you’re doing a bit better today.

  14. just caught up on your last two posts. 😦 i’m so sorry to hear this….

    *hugs*

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