Why I Am Lucky

Yesterday afternoon in a phone call to LG:

Me: “If X* happens, that will be what puts me over the edge.”

LG: “Well, then I’ll be on the other side waiting to catch you.”

And, that is why I am so lucky to have him in my life.

*Where X = something at work…of course.

Put Me in Coach

Through the use of blunt force (i.e. Provera), AF has finally arrived – officially clocking in at 49 days.   I have a date with my friendly wand wielder on Friday and then will most likely start BCPs on Saturday in preparation for a June transfer.  There’s quite a bit going on with me on the job front*, and LG asked if we wanted to postpone our next cycle until September, but no.  The break has done me well and I’m ready – even excited.  (Contrast that to IVF #2.)   As I told him, we can wait until September – still not have things figured out, which knowing us is the most likely outcome – and just be that much further along on the advanced maternal age parade route.

So, I’m back in the game.

* I unsuccessfully tried to resign yesterday.  Unsuccessful because I never actually used the words “I” and “resign.” I managed to talk all around it, without ever saying it.  Chicken = me.   My boss is very much aware of what’s going on with me personally and has been very supportive.  (Frankly, if I were she I’d have much less patience as, much as I hate to admit it,  my personal struggles are clearly affecting my work at least on some level.)    I truly believe my issues with the job are a result of the company culture combined with the fact that I’m just burnt out in HR in general.  She, however,  attributes my inability to just ride things out to my “understandable but heightened emotional state.”  I think the reason I can’t bring myself to flat out quit is because I’m afraid that she might be right – at least a little bit.  I’m also afraid of financial ruin, but that’s another topic.   I usually am pretty decisive, and yet I’m really having a hard time pulling the trigger.  I got my FMLA approved, so I’ll be taking all of June off.  Perhaps that will help give me some perspective.

Lunchroom Capers

First, I must start with the tragic news that I can no longer watch this season of Survivor.  I was SO hoping this would be the last time Coach would besmirch my television screen, but it was not meant to be.  Since I refuse to allow one of my greatest escapes – reality TV* – to add to my already impressive level of angst**, here is where Survivor Toncantins and I must part ways.

I’m percolating a couple of reflective infertility posts, but not really ready to go there yet.  In the meantime, since I haven’t treated (tortured?) you with work kvetching lately, I thought I’d bring you a story of how I spent my day today.  Tracking down a lunch thief.  That’s right, my friends.  It appears my company – let’s call it Quant Guys, Inc – has a resident lunch looter.

At about 1:30 today, as I’m getting carpal tunnel syndrome rearranging data in yet another meaningless spreadsheet made necessary by the fact that our HR systems don’t talk to our financial systems, a very indignant VP appears in my office.  Turns out that there has been a rash of lunches on the lam and he wants to know WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?  For this, I went to business school?  Honest to Pete, these people are crazy.  But I can tell you must be on the edge of your seat with suspense.  What did she do about it, you’re asking yourself.  (What’s that?  Oh…you’re not?  In fact, you’re clicking on to the next blog in your reader?  OK, I’ll wrap it up.).  Being all about the diplomatic solution, we are going to assume for now it was just a big mix-up and remind people that lunch bags and various frozen entrees – much like your luggage at the airport – tends to look alike and please double check that it is, in fact, yours.  If that doesn’t work…exploding decoy lunch bags.

* That’s right my friends – I’m a reality TV junkie.  I have even (she says hanging her head) been known to read reality TV recaps because viewing it just isn’t enough.  I do have standards, though.  I won’t watch anything built on the premise of being mean – or being an Octomom, should that come to pass.  (Speaking of which, have you heard of the new Fox reality show where apparently employees vote Survivor style on who is going to be laid off?  What a horrible horrible concept.) Anything else, especially if they’re cooking, baking, sewing, or strutting down a runway (especially strutting), is fair game.

** Growing up I was so adept at teen-age angst that I have refined it to a whole new level of pushing-40 angst.

MTHFR…WTF?

AF has still not arrived.  Cycle Day 42 and counting.  Good thing we already had a consult scheduled with Dr. Yacht for Tuesday just to make sure we had a solid understanding of our protocol for the next go-around.  He said that a delayed natural cycle after a failed IVF is not normal per se but also not uncommon.  After a quick wanding and blood test, it’s been determined that my lining is still pretty thick (10mm) and my estrogen is high, so I’ve won myself a Provera prescription to bring on my period.  After that, I’ll go on BCP to make sure I’ m adequately suppressed for the June cycle.  Stims should start in late May.  The break was much needed.  I’m feeling much more emotionally ready this time than last time when we went from IVF #1 to IVF #2 with little more than a month in between.

We also got the results of my genetic testing back.  I sent an e-mail to the nurse on Monday asking if they were back so we could be sure to address them in our appointment on Tuesday.  She e-mailed back and said everything was normal except I came back positive for MTHFR, so we’d be adding Lovenox after the transfer due to a slightly elevated risk of blood clotting.  This, of course, sent me straight to the library of the University of Google School of Medicine where I freaked myself out in short order.  By the time I went to Dr. Yacht I had a whole host of questions that caused him to give me his patented slightly patronizing but at the same time weirdly comforting smirk.   Turns out, I have the relatively common and much less concerning heterozygous variety and when he tested the homocysteine levels, those were all normal, so he feels there is nothing to worry about.  The Lovenox is just a precautionary measure as quite frankly he can’t figure out why 6 high quality embryos have failed to implant and figures we’ll just cover our bases.

Sorry this is such a boring post.  Just wanted to get something up as I haven’t felt very “post-worthy” lately.  I’m cooking up a few posts in the coming days about my experience going back home for Easter this past weekend as well as other bloggy thoughts.  Thanks for bearing with me!

Amber (or should it be Red) Alert

AF is missing.  I’m now at CD36, which is crazy as prior to all this IF stuff the one thing you could say about me is that I was regular as hell.  (A fact which apparently didn’t get me anywhere, since whatever I was “regularly” kicking out was crap quality.  Ah well…I digress).

My first period after the Cycle of Doom (aka IVF #2) came right away after stopping the progesterone.   I think I was a few days late after failed cycle #1, but I don’t remember being this late.  I’ll have to go back and check, but I wasn’t quite the obsessive recorder of all things down-there as I am now.  (Why should I have been, IVF is the magic bullet and we were only going to need it once…right?  Right.)

I’ve decided to use this blog to move AF along as we all know that lamenting a missing period to all and sundry is the best way to force AF’s hand – if only so she can make a fool of me yet again.   LG has tentatively brought up the pregnancy possibility.  This directly after I announced to him that I think I’m having a mid-life crisis at the ripe (young for a mid-life crisis / ancient for conceiving a living human child) age of nearly 37.   (More about that later).  He attributes any pronouncement I make that seems less than hopped up on happy pills to be caused by (said in a hushed voice) “hormones.”   Technically, I guess his pregancy theory has theoretical merit, so I will spend $10 I’ll never get back to be taunted by a plastic stick, but I’m not holding out hope as I have absolutely no symptoms.  Not a sore boob in sight, nary a queasy stomach, nada.

In all seriousness, I’m hoping it’s soon, so that my May AF doesn’t get pushed back too far thereby jeopardizing IVF #3 in June.  I want to make sure I have plenty of time on BCP to get adequately suppressed.  The first go-around, I was only on the pill for a couple of weeks, which wasn’t enough to shut down the estrogen factory so the cycle was canceled.   IVF #1 – I was on them for almost a full month, so while it was a giant bust, we were able to proceed to ER/ET.  IVF #2 brought us “Callie – Made Crazy by Lupron,” and we will NOT be going down that road again.  All BCP for me from here on out.   So:

Dear Aunt Flo:

I know I haven’t always greeted with you with open arms, and I know I probably shouldn’t have cursed at you like I did the last time, but…please come visit.  I promise I’ll be nice this time.

Love,

Callie

Mel’s Show & Tell

We’re back!  A week of sun, surf, togetherness, and yes, many a fruity drink was exactly what we needed.  It was incredibly restorative in so many ways.  We spoke very little about infertility and treatments, but even when we did, it was in a much more hopeful way.

When we were selecting our vacation spot, we were open to resorts that allowed kids, but at the last minute LG suggested we look for an adults only resort.  (Not one of those kinds – but just something where we wouldn’t be reminded at every turn what was missing.)  It turned out to be a great decision as it really allowed us some time away from the disappointments and even jealousies that have been front and center for so long.

The Dominican Republic (we were about an hour away from Punta Cana) is absolutely beautiful.  We didn’t know what to expect as it’s not one of those places that comes up as much when talking about a beach vacation, but I would highly recommend it.  Miles and miles of beach made for incredible morning walks that were just a great time for LG and I to be together.  The resort where we stayed was also amazing – incredible service, good food, and enough activities to keep it interesting, but you could also do your own thing.  If anyone wants to know where we stayed, feel free to send me an e-mail, and I’m happy to provide more info.  Here’s the view from our room.  I can’t tell you how much I miss looking out the window and seeing this:  view-from-8204-1

We spent most of our time during the day either readsleeping-on-beach-1ing books, swimming and snorkeling, drinking beer (LG) and some fantastical concoction of white rum, pineapple juice, grenadine, and bananas (me) plus a healthy dose of beach naps.  LG delights in capturing me in what he calls my favorite state (he’s right), so here’s me sleeping to the sounds of the surf.  (I’m usually cold no matter where I am, hence the jacket and towel/blanket).

Finally, one of my favorite pictures just because it reminds of me of exactly what this trip was about…an opportunity for LG and me to get away and come together.  We’ll get back to injections, doctor’s appointments, wandings, and follicle/fert reports all too soon, but this picture just gives me a chance to reflect on the two of us and how lucky I am to be part of that.

reflections-sand

Now, it’s time to see what the rest of the class is showing.  Stop over at Mel’s Show & Tell to take a look!