I Haven’t Known

I haven’t written in months. I haven’t known how to fully capture what I’ve been experiencing without hurting or offending so many others mired in the trenches of infertility still hoping, dreaming, and praying for a positive pregnancy test – praying for what I have. I haven’t known how to write about the incredible disconnect between my hopes and dreams for this pregnancy and ultimately the child who will hopefully come into our lives and the truth and reality of what the last 4 months have brought me. I haven’t known how to write about a marriage in jeopardy. I haven’t known how to write about the increasingly consuming feeling that I have made oh so many mistakes and the fear that more are on the horizon.

I still don’t know how. But I know I can’t go on like this so I need this outlet.

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