I Haven’t Known

I haven’t written in months. I haven’t known how to fully capture what I’ve been experiencing without hurting or offending so many others mired in the trenches of infertility still hoping, dreaming, and praying for a positive pregnancy test – praying for what I have. I haven’t known how to write about the incredible disconnect between my hopes and dreams for this pregnancy and ultimately the child who will hopefully come into our lives and the truth and reality of what the last 4 months have brought me. I haven’t known how to write about a marriage in jeopardy. I haven’t known how to write about the increasingly consuming feeling that I have made oh so many mistakes and the fear that more are on the horizon.

I still don’t know how. But I know I can’t go on like this so I need this outlet.


7 Responses

  1. It’s so good to hear from you again. I think that you have to write for YOU. People will figure out what they can handle or not.

    If nobody ever got pregnant after going through IF, it would be a much more devastating thing. Even though it can hurt to see someone’s pregnancy at times, it can also give hope at times.

    Many, many hugs to you. Pregnancy can be so scary after IF (I imagine). Please keep writing.

    (And in case you hadn’t gotten the word, I am the same blogger as be.comin.g whol.e. I had to switch blogs (again). I’m over at http:dreamsofquiet.wordpress.com now.)

  2. Oh sweetie, there isn’t a “right” or a “wrong” way to get it all out, just get it all out. I totally get survivors guilt, but I doubt anyone wants you to stop blogging. Obviously, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know I don’t want you to stop. Just start typing, we’ll read it.

    You have my email address and you can use it ANYTIME! Honestly, just sending out a random email or typing up a random blog post will make you feel better.

    Sending you lots of love!

  3. for as much as it hurts when a fellow IFer gets her BFP, hope is reinforced for those of us still waiting. it’s a reminder that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. a light with a baby! i hope that you will post more often. there’s no wrong way to do it. just pour out your feelings and get if off your chest. i believe you will be welcomed with open arms and huge hugs.

  4. Oh Callie! I’m glad you’re back. We’re here for you. Yes, sometimes it’s hard to hear of someone else’s BFP, but we’re all in this together and we care about you. There is no right or wrong, we all understand and respect that this is the space where you let it all hang out (even if as soon as it’s out you don’t mean it anymore).

    Even if you don’t come back here, you are welcome to e-mail me if you need a chat.

  5. Callie, I’m so glad you’ve updated, I’ve been thinking of you an awful lot. I really am so pleased to read that your bean has stuck fast.

    I’m sorry you’ve found it difficult to find the words lately and I do really hope that you manage to use this outlet.

    Like the others, I know you’ve got my email, use it anytime.

  6. been thinking of you, and glad you wrote. wehn you’re ready to write again, we’re all ready to listen and support, and not judge.

  7. 😦 just catching up. thinking tons about you. i’m sorry it’s so hard.


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