Amber (or should it be Red) Alert

AF is missing.  I’m now at CD36, which is crazy as prior to all this IF stuff the one thing you could say about me is that I was regular as hell.  (A fact which apparently didn’t get me anywhere, since whatever I was “regularly” kicking out was crap quality.  Ah well…I digress).

My first period after the Cycle of Doom (aka IVF #2) came right away after stopping the progesterone.   I think I was a few days late after failed cycle #1, but I don’t remember being this late.  I’ll have to go back and check, but I wasn’t quite the obsessive recorder of all things down-there as I am now.  (Why should I have been, IVF is the magic bullet and we were only going to need it once…right?  Right.)

I’ve decided to use this blog to move AF along as we all know that lamenting a missing period to all and sundry is the best way to force AF’s hand – if only so she can make a fool of me yet again.   LG has tentatively brought up the pregnancy possibility.  This directly after I announced to him that I think I’m having a mid-life crisis at the ripe (young for a mid-life crisis / ancient for conceiving a living human child) age of nearly 37.   (More about that later).  He attributes any pronouncement I make that seems less than hopped up on happy pills to be caused by (said in a hushed voice) “hormones.”   Technically, I guess his pregancy theory has theoretical merit, so I will spend $10 I’ll never get back to be taunted by a plastic stick, but I’m not holding out hope as I have absolutely no symptoms.  Not a sore boob in sight, nary a queasy stomach, nada.

In all seriousness, I’m hoping it’s soon, so that my May AF doesn’t get pushed back too far thereby jeopardizing IVF #3 in June.  I want to make sure I have plenty of time on BCP to get adequately suppressed.  The first go-around, I was only on the pill for a couple of weeks, which wasn’t enough to shut down the estrogen factory so the cycle was canceled.   IVF #1 – I was on them for almost a full month, so while it was a giant bust, we were able to proceed to ER/ET.  IVF #2 brought us “Callie – Made Crazy by Lupron,” and we will NOT be going down that road again.  All BCP for me from here on out.   So:

Dear Aunt Flo:

I know I haven’t always greeted with you with open arms, and I know I probably shouldn’t have cursed at you like I did the last time, but…please come visit.  I promise I’ll be nice this time.

Love,

Callie

Taking a Deep Breath

First, my deepest thanks to all of you who have stopped by and offered words of comfort and your voices of experience.  All of your comments have provided incredible comfort to me and to LG.  As I’ve written about in the past, this blog has been a source of contention between LG and me.  Over the past couple of days, I’ve read him several of the comments I’ve received, and I think he’s finally starting to understand why having this blog and your support means so much to me.

Even just a few days have made a difference, and I’m starting to feel better.  Hope has crept back in…she’s a tough gal to keep down!

We were very fortunate to be able to get in with Dr. Yacht today for our WTF meeting – especially since I’m traveling for work the next two weeks solid starting Monday, and I didn’t want to have to wait until I got back in town.  The meeting went really well.  I do love Dr. Yacht.  We had a good discussion and here’s what we’ve learned and/or plan to do differently next time.

(1) The fact that I stimulated so well using two completely different protocols yet had pretty significant attrition at each phase suggest to him that it is a quality issue – egg or sperm or both.  He believes this is the cause moreso than an implantation issue as my lining has been ideal both times.

(2) Because the lining looks great but now a total of six nearly perfect Day 3 embryos have failed to yield a pregnancy, he is considering some sort of genetic issue with the embryos.  To that end, if we have happen to have a better yield next time and there are enough embryos for it to make sense, he will perform PGD.

(3) I asked him about immunology issues.  As I suspected based on what other Dr. Yacht patients have said, he doesn’t really buy into the theory, but he did run a panel of bloodwork today to look at immunological levels as well as to perform karyotype testing to look for chromosomal abnormalities.  He did say that he will add Lovenox to my post-transfer protocol next time just to cover our bases.  He does not believe in IVIG treatment, but did give us the name of a local doctor if we wanted to pursue.  He said if we decided to go that route, he would still do our treatment, but the other doctor would manage that portion of my treatment plan.  Based on his explanation, that’s not something LG and I are going to pursue at this time.

(4) Because our first IVF demonstrated that at least one of our embryos has made it to blast, we are going to push this time to Day 5 no matter what.  Worse comes to worse, we’ll thaw our frozen guy that morning as a backup plan.

(5) NO LUPRON!!!  Since I stimmed fine on the pill, we’re going to go back to that.  LG is very happy about that as he feared for life and limb last time around.  My tear ducts are also grateful.  The makers of Jelly Bellies and Twizzlers (my go-to comfort foods) – less so.

(6) I plan to add acupuncture next time around.  Maybe not on the days of ER and ET as that’s logistically difficult, but at least during the stimulation phase.

These last 2 aren’t protocol related but feel equally important:

(7) We are taking a break until the June cycle.  In the meantime, Italy has been chosen as the location for the consolation prize.  We’re hoping to plan a trip for early April, so I need to get crackin’ on that.

(8) I also plan to try to add a few things back into my life that seem to have been sacrificed on the altar of all-things-babymaking.  We’re still not making huge moves like changing jobs or moving – both of which are oft-discussed topics of ours, but at least I can get back to some of the activities like singing lessons and cooking classes that gave me a little dimension.   I really need that.

So, thanks in large part to you guys and Dr. Yacht, we’re picking ourselves up, taking a deep breath, and going forward.

Internets, I Hardly Knew Ye

Looks like Patience Song will go down as the shortest blog in history.  Things have been quiet here on the blogging front the last several days, but definitely not in the Patience Song household.

LG has decided that he’s not comfortable with me putting this out there for all to see on the internet.  After much teeth gnashing (both of us) and tears (mine, all mine…it doesn’t help that these conversations are taking place when I have 2 weeks of Lupron under my belt and my tear ducts seem to stuck on the perma-water setting), I’ve decided that as much as I’ve come to be so invested in this community and loved having my little corner of it, I’m more invested in my husband and my marriage and feel like I have to respect his feelings.

As a result of this, the whole blogosphere has been pretty painful for me the last few days, so I’ve been a terrible ICLW participant.  My sincere apologies and thanks to all those who have commented on my blog – I have loved receiving your thoughts and words of encouragement, and feel badly that I haven’t been reciprocating.   I hope to catch up over the course of the week with my ICLW commenting.   I will also still keep up with the many adventures I already follow and hope to add more to my list as I discover new and wonderful blogs through cyclesistas and Stirrup Queen, and all of your blogrolls, so look for me in the comments section.

My very best wishes for all of you.

Portending Signs

I don’t have a good feeling about this cycle – and we haven’t even really started.  I know that’s a terrible mindset to have – positive thinking and all – but I just keeping getting weird vibes (and I’m not a vibe kind of gal) that this timing isn’t meant to be.

We got our BFN on 12/19 (Merry Christmas) and our WTF meeting on January 2 (Happy New Year).  At that appointment, our RE, whom henceforth I shall refer to as Dr. Yacht* was very reassuring.  We learned a lot…blah blah blah.  When we asked about timing for trying again, he felt that it would be fine for us to try for the February cycle**.  I told him I was on CD 15, and he said – no problem.  We’ll just skip OCP’s and start you on Lupron on CD 21, and we’re good to go.

Well, fast forward a couple of days to Cycle 20 – no Lupron has arrived.  I was out of town for work, so LG phoned the clinic to make sure the order had been placed and was on its way.  We were assured yesiree, everything was fine.  I went in on CD 21 for bloodwork and at LG’s insistence (he wishes I would push the doctors and nurses much harder for answers), we waited to talk to our nurse to double check since we still hadn’t heard  from the pharmacy, which is out of state.  Whoopsie – no order had been placed and now the pharmacy we have to use for insurance couldn’t get it to us in time.  So…I had to stay home from work, make a million phone calls, and finally take 2 buses to a local pharmacist (who apparently just does fertility and veterinary compounds…weird), to get the Lupron in order to start it that night as scheduled.  This caused the first flutter of hesitation – maybe we’re trying to do this too soon.

Then, I got the stim schedule from our IVF coordinator, whom LG and I call Little Miss Sunshine, because she is anything but.  Sometime, I’ll write the story of our first IVF consult.  Good times.  The schedule is clearly wrong because it has me taking OCP’s until late January then starting Lupron (which, incidentally, I had started 4 days previously).  Bad sign #2 – nobody seems to know what the hell protocol we’re doing.  I e-mailed her to clarify, but of course heard nothing back.  Fortunately, Dr. Yacht’s nurses are pretty great at responding, so I e-mailed one of them and she told me no problem – keep on with the Lupron and then call when you get your period.

That brings us to bad sign #3.  Oh, AF…where are you?  I am now closing in on Day 34 with nary a stomach cramp or sore boob in sight.  Of course, I am traveling next week Monday through Wednesday, so with my luck it will start today making me completely miss the window for the Day 3 workup.  Not liking this, folks.

I know these are small things, but they all contribute to this nagging sense that the stars just aren’t aligned this go around.  I’m trying to break that cycle of thought, because I know it does me no good, but it keeps rattling around in there.  I have a little retail therapy planned for today – doing my part for the economy, you know – maybe that will help.

*I really do like our RE, but whenever I see him, I always flash to a scene of a dapper (and very tan) guy dressed in white pants, topsiders, and a bright-colored polo shirt disembarking from his 80-foot yacht to go see the adoring ladies of his clinic.  (The yacht that I and my fellow clinic compadres are most likely funding.)

**For some reason I’ve yet to figure out, my clinic forces everyone to the same schedule.  ER’s and ET’s are only done 1 week a month so they get everyone on the same schedule via luck and hormones.  If your cycle doesn’t cooperate that month – you’re screwed until the next window.  Does anyone else’s clinic take this approach? Do you know why they do that?  Is it some medical philosophy – or for convenience sake (for the doctors that is)?