Expectations

Thought I’d start with a couple of random updates before I get to what’s really been on my mind as of late:

• LG and I went to the acupuncture info meeting on Monday.  I found it very interesting, and I’m looking forward to adding it to the protocol for this cycle.   I do wish I’d started earlier as the instructor said they usually recommend two to three months before a cycle, but she said there can still be a benefit, so I’m more than willing to try.  I have my intake appointment tomorrow, so more to come.
• 7 Days to my leave!  I’m really looking forward to getting some space from work – especially being front and center for the layoffs, salary freezes, restructurings, etc.  During the leave I plan to:
  • Take part in integrative therapies including acupuncture, yoga, and fertility-enhancing massage
  • Cook
  • Organize my recipe file
  • Visit the local zoo on a nearly daily basis to watch the white cheeked gibbons – my favorite animal
  • Try my hand at watercolors
  • Update my blog more frequently
  • Explore my Budding Life Plan…more on this below
  • Relax and grow great follicles which will hopefully turn into solid embryos which will hopefully turn into a healthy, happy baby.

Now – Part II of this post.

I’ve written before about how important my sister is in my life.  We became very close after she graduated from college (she’s 3.5 years younger than I am) and since then, she has been my rock.  The person who knows exactly what I need to hear in the moment, whether it’s a sympathetic ear, words of comfort or encouragement, or even a buck-up speech.   She knows the ins and outs of what we’re going through with the infertility and has gone above and beyond in being a great listener and really seems to understand the struggle.  As much as someone with 2 kids, one of whom she and her husband refer to as their “one-shot wonder,” can that is.

Lately, however, it feels like we’ve been really out of sync.  It started with some off-hand comments she’s made about my nephew, whom I’ll call Truck in honor of his one true love.   Truck is just shy of 3, a total charmer, and an inveterate trouble-maker who has been giving his mom fits as of late.  A few times we’ll be on the phone and he’ll be acting up in the background, and she’ll say something like “I’m going to send him up to you and LG for a week…see how badly you want kids after that!”  I’ve been trying to figure out why that gets to me as much as it does without really coming up with an answer.   I really believe she’s not making light of our situation – I think she’s reacting more to her own frustrations in the moment, but it still rankles.

To describe the next part of the out-of-sync puzzle, I have to take a step back.  As my small but beloved circle of readers know, I’ve been really struggling with my current career of HR.  The question I have been unable to answer up to this point is if not HR, then what.  To that question, I’ve been coming up bone dry, which has led to a premature mid-life crisis of sorts.

A number of possible career paths have flitted through my mind – some dwelling a little longer than others – but none have felt reason for one reason or another.  I’ve thought about going back to school to be a doctor but have disqualified that because not sure how I would do that at my age especially if we are blessed enough to have the children we so want.  Medical school at 38 followed by a residency – all with small children in the house – seems more than I want to take on.  Then, I’ve thought about nursing, but the type of nursing I think I want to do involves a significant amount of schooling and practical experience, so it would be a good 8 years or so before I was really working in the capacity I want to…and again, with IF treatments, (hopefully) small kids, etc it seems like more than I want to take on.

I’ve also considered psychology as I’m often told that I’m a good listener,  but if one thing HR has taught me is that I have very little patience with people who want to wallow in a situation of their own making and then not take steps to get themselves out of it.  I am by no means saying that this applies to the vast majority of  people who seek psychological counseling. When I say this, I’m thinking more of my own personal experience when I was in several years of therapy for an eating disorder and spent the better chunk of that time resisting every minute of it.  (Thankfully, thanks to the patience and skill of the wonderful LSW I was working with, I finally was able to breakthrough…so I know first hand the value but also how frustrating the process can be for all involved.)  On the whole, I think that seeking professional counseling is a very courageous act that people make when they know they need to make changes in their life.  It’s just that sometimes those changes are a long time in coming, and I don’t know if I have the patience to see people along on that journey and as a result, I think I’d either burn out quickly or be ineffective.  Then there are the offshoots of HR that I’ve considered – Learning & Development, freelancer creating e-learning curriculums, etc, but all of those seem like same thing, different wrapping.

Then, last week I stumbled onto an idea that is too hare brained, too fantasy laden at this stage to write about specifically, so I’ll just refer to it for now as my Budding Life Plan.  If it starts to take shape, I’ll definitely write more about it, but suffice it to say that for the first time in a long time, I’m really excited about an idea.  I’ve talked about it with LG, who is usually very practical and slow to accept things that (a) distract us from our primary priority of family building and (b) require significant change, but he gets how this idea addresses all the things I’ve said I want out of a career and is supportive.  I’ve talked with my mother (also a paragon of practicality – which this idea is not) and she thinks its a fabulous idea.  Then, I told my sister – my cheerleader, the person I go to to help me dream and dream bigger and…she laughed at me.  Completely mocked the very concept of the Budding Life Plan and then mocked me for what she termed yet another  “idea of the week.”

Maybe I caught her at a bad time.  (Truck was yelling in the back seat of a the car.)   Maybe in my excitement I didn’t articulate the idea and it sounded even more hare-brained than it is.  Maybe she’s growing weary of what I admit is increasingly a 2 track conversation with me…want a kid, hate my job.  It’s just that my expectations of her are so high because of what she’s always been to me – my soft place to land – that to find that soft place replaced by a mocking hard surface was jarring and hurt… a lot.

I know I need to talk with her about it and probably ease up on my expectations of her, because forcing her to teeter on a pedestal isn’t fair to her.   I have a sense it’s going to take us some time to get back in sync.

Brought out of Hiding by Neil Patrick Harris

So, true confessions time.  I’ve been a horrible blogette as of late.   I’ve even fallen behind on reading and commenting although I’m starting to get back into the swing of things.  I have finally been rustled out my pre-IFV #3 hibernation due to the need to share my joy that my secret boyfriend Neil Patrick Harris (yes, LG knows) is going to be hosting the Tony Awards.  Fancy musical theater production numbers and NPH…  it really doesn’t get much better than that!

It’s been up and down but mostly up these past couple of weeks.  To recap:

The Ups:

1. My mom and I enjoyed an awesome Girls Weekend trip to Phoenix where we spent our days spa’ing, lounging, eating, and drinking in beautiful warm temperatures.  It was so amazing to get up at 6:30 – 7:00 in the morning and be able to sit outside on our patio and not need to bundle up.    We had a terrific time and really re-connected.  Good thing, because it helped smooth things over when I proceeded to completely space Mother’s Day the following weekend.  Sorry, Mom!
2. Things are going well in the IVF #3 pre-planning stages.  Just taking BCP’s and hoping it’s doing the trick.  So so happy we’re not doing Lupron this go-around.   That stuff mad-a me ca-raaazy.
3. LG and I are going to an acupuncture info meeting tonight.  I’m well aware that I’m pretty late to be looking into this this seeing as I’m scheduled to start stims on May 29th, but better late than never.  I’m very interested to hear what they have to say and am excited to be doing something “different” this go-around.
4. I’m 2 weeks and 1 day out from my June LOA…and counting!

The Downs:

1. I spent most of last week traveling around to different offices to conduct “notification meetings” (e.g. let people go).  Always soul-draining, but on the bright side, I think that should be the last of those conversations for awhile (see point #3 above).
2. LG and I had yet another painful disagreement about our respective boundaries on whom and what we tell about infertility, IVF, et al.   It ended up being a “good fight,” as I think we got some important issues on the table, but it still really took the wind out of my sails for a few days.

That’s about it.  I’ll try to be a little more prompt (and interesting) in my posting especially since I’ll have time on my hands come June.

MTHFR…WTF?

AF has still not arrived.  Cycle Day 42 and counting.  Good thing we already had a consult scheduled with Dr. Yacht for Tuesday just to make sure we had a solid understanding of our protocol for the next go-around.  He said that a delayed natural cycle after a failed IVF is not normal per se but also not uncommon.  After a quick wanding and blood test, it’s been determined that my lining is still pretty thick (10mm) and my estrogen is high, so I’ve won myself a Provera prescription to bring on my period.  After that, I’ll go on BCP to make sure I’ m adequately suppressed for the June cycle.  Stims should start in late May.  The break was much needed.  I’m feeling much more emotionally ready this time than last time when we went from IVF #1 to IVF #2 with little more than a month in between.

We also got the results of my genetic testing back.  I sent an e-mail to the nurse on Monday asking if they were back so we could be sure to address them in our appointment on Tuesday.  She e-mailed back and said everything was normal except I came back positive for MTHFR, so we’d be adding Lovenox after the transfer due to a slightly elevated risk of blood clotting.  This, of course, sent me straight to the library of the University of Google School of Medicine where I freaked myself out in short order.  By the time I went to Dr. Yacht I had a whole host of questions that caused him to give me his patented slightly patronizing but at the same time weirdly comforting smirk.   Turns out, I have the relatively common and much less concerning heterozygous variety and when he tested the homocysteine levels, those were all normal, so he feels there is nothing to worry about.  The Lovenox is just a precautionary measure as quite frankly he can’t figure out why 6 high quality embryos have failed to implant and figures we’ll just cover our bases.

Sorry this is such a boring post.  Just wanted to get something up as I haven’t felt very “post-worthy” lately.  I’m cooking up a few posts in the coming days about my experience going back home for Easter this past weekend as well as other bloggy thoughts.  Thanks for bearing with me!

Mel’s Show & Tell

We’re back!  A week of sun, surf, togetherness, and yes, many a fruity drink was exactly what we needed.  It was incredibly restorative in so many ways.  We spoke very little about infertility and treatments, but even when we did, it was in a much more hopeful way.

When we were selecting our vacation spot, we were open to resorts that allowed kids, but at the last minute LG suggested we look for an adults only resort.  (Not one of those kinds – but just something where we wouldn’t be reminded at every turn what was missing.)  It turned out to be a great decision as it really allowed us some time away from the disappointments and even jealousies that have been front and center for so long.

The Dominican Republic (we were about an hour away from Punta Cana) is absolutely beautiful.  We didn’t know what to expect as it’s not one of those places that comes up as much when talking about a beach vacation, but I would highly recommend it.  Miles and miles of beach made for incredible morning walks that were just a great time for LG and I to be together.  The resort where we stayed was also amazing – incredible service, good food, and enough activities to keep it interesting, but you could also do your own thing.  If anyone wants to know where we stayed, feel free to send me an e-mail, and I’m happy to provide more info.  Here’s the view from our room.  I can’t tell you how much I miss looking out the window and seeing this: 

We spent most of our time during the day either reading books, swimming and snorkeling, drinking beer (LG) and some fantastical concoction of white rum, pineapple juice, grenadine, and bananas (me) plus a healthy dose of beach naps.  LG delights in capturing me in what he calls my favorite state (he’s right), so here’s me sleeping to the sounds of the surf.  (I’m usually cold no matter where I am, hence the jacket and towel/blanket).

Finally, one of my favorite pictures just because it reminds of me of exactly what this trip was about…an opportunity for LG and me to get away and come together.  We’ll get back to injections, doctor’s appointments, wandings, and follicle/fert reports all too soon, but this picture just gives me a chance to reflect on the two of us and how lucky I am to be part of that.

Now, it’s time to see what the rest of the class is showing.  Stop over at Mel’s Show & Tell to take a look!

Why Don’t You Just…

Quit.  No…not TTC’ing.  Rather, my job.  I know this is a bit off topic and somewhat self indulgent, but it’s been on my mind A LOT, so I thought I’d turn to the blog to work some of these thoughts and feelings out.  Please bear with me!

From time to time I think I’ve made mention of the fact that I really really dislike my particular job and actually even the field of HR.  I won’t bore people with the details of why I dislike my job.  Even my husband (who much to his chagrin cannot avoid being bored by the details) doesn’t fully understand why.  He gets that the politics and cultural dynamics in play at my particular organization are daunting, and that some of the issues I deal with are equal parts petty and soul-draining (he refers to it as the Land of Whiners and Cowards), but as he says – “You usually get to leave around 5:00, you don’t take work home, you make a great salary…what’s your problem.”   All that being said, he’s tired of hearing me complain and he feels that the stress I’m carrying around as a result is affecting our ability to conceive, so he often urges me to quit.  He’s even resorted to bribery by saying we could buy my beloved but up until now unpurchased Mac if I would just do it already.

It’s surprising to me how many internal struggles this decision is sparking.  Everything from financial security to my independence to trust levels between LG and me …not to mention how this fits into our long-term family planning.

Given everything going on in the economy, LG and I are comparatively blessed.  We’re by no means well off, but we are able to meet our relatively simple needs without concern.  LG comes into the relationship with investments (which of course have taken a big hit) including college funds that he started for his future children in his 20’s (that’s how much and for how long he has wanted to be a father).  I have far fewer investments (read: none), but earn a comfortable salary.  A salary that happens to be 3 times LG’s.

LG insists that we can make it on his salary and still be fine.  I don’t think so.   When I try to express my concerns about this, it leads to an argument because he thinks I’m basically saying that I have to keep working, because he doesn’t earn enough.  I hate myself for it, but that is kind of what I’m saying.

I’m also afraid that if I leave the workforce, I won’t be able to get back in.  Certainly not now and definitely not at the salary I’m making.  The 2nd part is OK – that I could live with.  It’s the first part that’s scary.  I know first hand from the other side how tough job hunting is right now.  I recently posted a job for my own team and had 150 applicants within the first 24 hours.  I don’t have time to go through all of those, so the first few that looked good, I brought them in for an interview and hired one of them.  I would guess that I didn’t even look at 100 of the resumes or more.  There could have been incredibly qualified candidates there and because of how many resumes flood my inbox every day (not to mention recruiters phoning me with their candidates), they never even got a look.  I’m terrified that I’ll make the decision to quit, discover I’ve made a terrible mistake, and have no recourse.  There’s also a part of me that feels incredibly selfish – here I have a job in these times and I’m flitting around being all cavalier (not really) about whether or not to keep it while others are struggling so much.  Who do I think I am…some kind of dilettante?  I have considered staying in the field (ugh) but looking for another job, but see above: tough times.  Also, the one thing this place has going for it, is that my boss is aware of and understanding of our efforts to have a child and what that entails for us in terms of time away for work for doctor appointments, retrievals, transfers et al.  What if my next employer and/or manager is not as flexible?

This next one’s a hard one, because it goes a little deeper and makes me question a number of things I hadn’t considered before.  Namely, I’m scared to death to be financially dependent on LG – regardless of his salary.  I’m scared that something will happen to him, or worse, he’ll leave me, and I’ll have nothing.  We’re not having relationship issues, so that shouldn’t be a concern, but I’ve seen it happen far too many times, when you think everything’s fine and the next thing you know someone’s walking away.  (In the spirit of full disclosure, this fear is not a new one – it’s a large part of what kept me single so long.)  This makes me feel like I don’t fully trust him (or us) and that’s confusing to me and sad.

So with all of that, it’s probably hard to tell where the decision comes in….  All compelling points, so why would I even consider leaving without another job in hand?  The flip side is that I’m absolutely miserable in this job and it’s starting to take a toll on my physical and emotional wellbeing as well as LG’s and my relationship.  While we all know IF is infinitely more complex than just relaxing, I do believe that stress plays a role, and how I feel right now most days can’t be helping things.  At the very least, LG and I have decided that I will take a leave of absence around my next IVF cycle in June.

I guess there is another option…bulk lottery tickets.

Happy ICLW Week!

I’m excited for this week as I need to redeem myself for my poor performance* last month.

I thought I’d provide a quick synopsis of where things stand to date for those stopping by the first time (I’m very happy you’re here!), and then go back to regularly scheduled programming.

My husband (known here as LG) and I have been married a little over a year, and we’ve been trying to expand our family literally since our wedding night. It’s a first time marriage for both of us but it took us a long time to find each other, so we’re practically both in the eating-at-Denny’s-at-4:30-in-the-afternoon camp** when it comes to baby-making. I’m 37 and he’s a few weeks shy of 44.

We fastracked our first visit to the RE given our ages as well as my medical history which included the removal of one ovary/fallopian tube due to a Low Malignant Potential ovarian tumor. Given both of those factors, our doctor (whom I refer to here as Dr. Yacht in honor of the luxury boat my treatments are funding), suggested we go right to the big guns of IVF.

Our first was cancelled before we even got going due to a sky high E2 level (no BCP can keep me down…power to the ovary!). The next was a giant bust, and we’re currently right in the middle of the 2WW for our second attempt. So far, I think I’m managing to hold the crazies to a minimum during the wait, although LG might disagree. Much to his chagrin, he gets a near hourly update on the relative soreness of my boobies. (Current reading…not so much). He has recently informed me that my assessment might be more accurate were I not constantly poking and prodding them to check said soreness. An interesting concept, but I’m sticking with my approach.

I’m really looking forward to discovering new blogs this week. Finding this community has been a life saver.

* If you click on the link, Patience Song refers to the name of my first blog.  Due to a giant blow-out between LG and me over the fact that I shared the name of the blog with my sister, thus rendering it less than anonymous, I changed the name in order to continue blogging.  This version has remained a state secret when it comes to anyone IRL.

** Even if I were a young sprightly thing, we would still probably hit the dinner spots early because I hate HATE waiting for a table.  Paragon of patience…not I.

Trading Places

Day 2 of the 2WW…so far so good.  The fact that I’ve taken this whole week off of work has really helped keep my stress levels down, and I feel like I’m in a better place than I was at this point last time.  If all is going according to plan, my 3 little guys (which LG suggested we name B-17, B-24, and B-52…a suggestion which was summarily vetoed), should be blastocysts today. 

Since there’s little exciting to write about IVF-wise during this time, I thought I’d take a little detour and write a bit about some things I haven’t really touched on…aspects of my story both related (and not) to infertility.

As I’ve written about previously, my mom, sister, and I are all extremely close.  That doesn’t mean, though, that there isn’t a certain disequilibrium that I think comes into play in any parent/sibling relationship.  As a child, I was sick basically from the time I was 6 months old.  For at least a few heart-wrenching months due to a lab error, my parents thought I had cystic fibrosis.  Fortunately, that turned out to be a misdiagnosis; however, I was diagnosed with severe asthma and a whole host of environmental and food allergies.   Oh, and to top it all off – I had infant acne.  A real dream come true for my parents, I’m sure.  

As I grew older, the asthma played a very real and disruptive part in my life.  So many of my childhood memories involve the local Children’s Hospital.  Much of my mom’s time centered around shuttling me to doctor’s appointments, visiting me in the hospital, and basically just trying to keep me breathing.  As a result, my mom and I were incredibly close.   This left comparatively little time for my younger sister who remembers frequently being pawned off on neighbors during the middle of the night as my parents rushed me off of the hospital yet again.  It wasn’t until much much later that I realized the toll this took on my sister and how left out she felt.

All of that changed when my sister had her first child.  My niece, M, was born exactly 2 weeks to the day after my father died.  She came into the world with a job.  Basically, to breathe life back into our family –  a job which she pulled off like a champion.  She was and still is a true light in all of our lives.   From the moment of her birth on, my mother and sister shared something that I didn’t – they were both moms.  The first few years of M’s life, my sister lived about 30 minutes from my mom, and they spent a tremendous amount of time together.  I was far away in Denver living a completely different life.  They were never ever exclusionary, but I could tell without question that the dynamic had shifted.  That balance shift remains today.  My sister and mother talk every single day.  My mother is a constant presence in the lives of M and her younger brother, L.  They adore her and she them.  As LG and I started down the path of trying to start our family, I have dreamed of rekindling that kind of closeness with my mother.   Not that we’re not tight now…it’s just different.

The longer it takes us, the more I’m afraid that having my mom be the kind of grandmother to our children that she is to my niece and nephew just won’t be possible.  Yesterday, we spoke on the phone and she told me that her chronic back pain seems to be something more ominous – advanced degenerative disc disease.   I am worried for what that means for her — this is a woman who just last year booked herself on a 2-week walking tour of Switzerland — and selfishly, I’m worried about what that means for the children LG and I hope to have.  Will she be able to lift them and swing them around the way she does M and L?  Get down on the floor and play A.merican G.irl doll or trucks?  I know regardless of what happens, she will love them with all of her heart and be a great source of advice and support to us, but its just another reason that I hope it happens soon so they can know her as M and L know her – vibrant and active.

Breaking up with Facebook

Despite the fact that if I successfully fall pregnant I will qualify for the Advanced Maternal Age sticker (where’s my discount at Denny’s?), I joined the ranks of Facebook about six months ago.  I did so mostly to keep in touch with my classmates from graduate school, but quickly fell into friends collecting mode.  As a result, I’m now connected with many people from high school and college – the vast majority of whom I had a passing acquaintance with at best.  But now, I’m treated to all the flotsam and jetsam of their daily lives.  There have certainly been some fun discoveries along the way like learning how people have changed (or not) over the years, seeing what people have chosen as professions and personal pursuits, and finding out who possesses a rapier wit.

But….I think it’s time for a Facebook timeout.  Lately, it feels that Facebook is conspiring to poke at my soft spots.   A couple of examples:

Point me to the nerds table

I know I’m not unique in this (cue Breakfast Club), but high school was a really tough time for me.  I’m not naturally athletic, outgoing, perky, pretty or any of those other things that give you safe passage through the high school years.  I guess some would say I fell into the “smart kids” category, but truth be told, while I could find purchase in that crowd, there were so many others far beyond me (as reinforced by their fabulous careers Facebook keeps me up to speed on) that that certainly wasn’t identity making.  The biggest thing I was in high school was shy.  The first couple of years I had a small group that I could call friends – mostly drama club buddies (Go Thespians!), but even then I was on the perimeter.  After my sophomore year, I left school due to a serious illness that caused a long hospitalization.  I came back in spurts my junior and senior year, but for the most part I was out of school and graduated through home study.  During the times I was gone, my friends moved on in the way that people do, so when I was there I felt even more adrift.

Now, I’m connected to a fair amount of people from high school and even those to whom I’m not, I’m treated to details of their lives as they leave wall comments and whatnot on those that I can see.  I feel like the outsider all over again.  So many of them have kept in touch and seem to have fine memories of those 4 years.  Facebook has suggested people I might know for me to befriend, and I don’t do so because I’m scared they won’t remember who I am or worse yet, do remember and chose not to click accept leading to that same feeling of isolation and rejection I felt lo so many years ago.  And I thought I’d come so far…

Yes, yes, I’d love to see pictures of your kids

Even better than reliving my Not-So-Wonder-Years, is the constant barrage of kid pics, crazy kid updates, maternal commiserations, and now my new favorite…the little meme going around where mommies wax poetic about the birth of their first born.  One person – who doesn’t know we’re smackdab in the middle of our second IVF, but does know that we don’t have children – even tagged me!

Once I’m there, though, I can’t turn away.  I look at all the pictures one by one by one.  I follow the fascinating progression of potty training (thanks, sis!), and I read through the “My First Born” postings all with a pit in my stomach.

So, Facebook, the time has come for us to take a break.  It’s not you, it’s me.  Just bad timing.  Maybe in another time and place.

Mel’s Show and Tell

Welcome to Show and Tell here at May the Road Rise!  To see what others are showing, click here.

Today’s Show and Tell comes from an amazing vacation that LG and I took last June.  As I’ve mentioned, we’re typically beach people, but in this case I had a work conference in Vancouver, so we decided to take advantage and have LG fly out afterward so we could spend a few days in Victoria, BC.  This trip was a couple months after our first visit to the RE but before we decided on a treatment plan apart from compulsive BBT charting, grapefruit juice, and propped-up hips.  Even then though, I must have had an instinctual sense of what was coming, which caused me to take this picture.

This was taken at the tide pools at Juan de Fuca Strait.  It was really a sight to  see – the tide pools were
filled with beautiful sea anemones and other ocean
life and the exposed ocean floor made for a great playground to run around and climb on the rocks.  The tide can come in quickly, though, so scattered throughout the area are these escape routes.  Even then, I recognized something powerful and symbolic in that sign.

I’m really feeling the need for an escape trail right about now.  I’ve come to feel consumed and therefore trapped by infertility as of late – particularly since this current cycle seems to be taking such an emotional and physical toll on me (and by extension, LG, since I’m such a treat to live with).   It’s clear to us that we did too much too fast.   But, on the positive side, a change in direction is near one way or another.  In a matter of a few weeks, we’ll either get the most amazing news possible … a BFP or a few months respite just to escape from this for a little while and just be.

Another Milestone

So, my last post garnered me my first Comment Hater along with another milestone – the first time anyone condemningly said “why don’t you just adopt.”  (BTW, according to spellcheck, condeminingly isn’t a word…whatever – it should be.) While it was jolting at first, it did make me realize that compared to so many people dealing with infertility, I’ve been lucky in that regard.  Quite a few people are aware of our struggles, yet I’ve encountered very little insensitivity along the way.   The funny thing is is that I can’t tell if Miss El.phie is more offended by our desire to have a child or my dislike of the musical Wicked.  I suspect it’s the latter.

In update news, nothing much to report.  Things are progressing albeit slowly.  I keep having to remind myself that the whole point of the protocol this time is to produce fewer (and hopefully) better eggs.  Well, the fewer part is certainly working.  We’re currently at 9 follicles measuring over 10 mm with the bully of the group at 19mm.  Our meds haven’t changed and we go back on Monday for another whirl.  The cycle week for our clinic officially starts on Wednesday, but I’m guessing based on my pace that we’ll be looking at an ER on Thursday possibly Friday.

The Fertility Shuffle

Many many thanks to all those who’ve commented on my last post and given us great vacation ideas.  Even though, as Erica said, I hope we don’t end up taking it – at least not as a consolation prize for a BFN – having it to think about and plan keeps me in a more positive frame of mind than I think I would be otherwise.  Weird how the mind works.

While I’m trying to remind myself that it’s still early (only 5 days into stims), I’m not too encouraged with this cycle so far.  Nothing new, there.  For many reasons, it’s never felt quite right – mostly because I think we rushed into it too quickly after our first failed IVF.   As of yesterday, only 4 follicles (versus 12 at this same point last time around) and one seriously outpacing the others making cancellation a possibility.  I go back in tomorrow for another turn at the cam/vampire wheel, so I’m hoping to get more encouraging news.

In the meantime I thought I’d follow Sarah‘s lead and have a little I.Tunes inspired fertility fun.   Here’s how it works:

Skip through your randomized playlist, and each consecutive song that comes up is the answer to the following questions in order:

1. The song for the you that existed before you ever thought about your fertility:
Whenever You’re Ready – Mary Chapin Carpenter  (Wow – that hits home.  Back before all of this, I thought the only thing stopping me from having a child was the always trusty Life.style condoms.  That the minute I was ready from a relationship and financial standpoint, I’d throw away the birth control, maybe wait a month or so, and then I’d join my fellow high school and college friends posting pictures of my offspring on Facebook.)

2. Would you really want to go back and be that person again?
The Flower that Shattered the Stone – John Denver  (Must say, this isn’t one of my favorite John Denver songs (this came in the later years when I think he was trying to update his image or something), but I do think it’s appropriate here as the song is about hope in the face of any obstacle.  I do wish I could get that back.)

3. The song for when you first started fertility treatments:
I’m All Alone – Spamalot Cast Recording (So true until I discovered all of you guys!)

4. What did infertility do to your sex life?
What Does a Man Do – Assassins Cast Recording (Heh…LG wouldn’t be happy to see this come up!  I do think it’s apropos though as infertility sex is all too often just about the mechanics.)

5. What about superstitions and fertility rituals?
A Little Bit of Good – Chicago Cast Recording (I guess I agree…I don’t tend to get too caught up in superstitions or other rituals.  That being said, I am hanging on a little bit to what I hope might be a sign…LG’s mother passed away suddenly about 3 years ago just a few weeks before he graduated from grad school.   The day after he took the professional exam required for his profession, a plant that his mother had gotten for him produced a single flower for the first and only time…until this week.  I am holding on to the thought that his mom is sending a little love and hope our way.)

6. How about “alternative” treatments, from cough syrup and pineapple to acupuncture and ‘body workers’?
Holding to the Ground – Falsettoland Cast Recording  (Haven’t tried any of them yet, although I think acupuncture has something going for it and may get there yet).

7. How do you feel about coming out of the IF closet?
Make the Most of Your Music – Stephen Sondheim Album.  (Ah, perfect.  As I’ve written about before, I’ve been pretty open about things.  I haven’t shared it with my extended family, but most people I work with on a day to day basis know.)

8. Your song for other people’s baby showers:
On the Street – Rent Cast Recording (Where I’d rather be.  Truth be told, this isn’t really a problem for me.  All of my friends live in other states and they’re well past baby shower stages.  If anything, I’d be invited to go to piano recitals or soccer games. )

9. What about our scary friend hope?
The First Cut is the Deepest – Sheryl Crow (OK, I must admit I cheated on this one.  The song that actually came up was O Come O Come Emmanuel but I didn’t know what to do with that, so I spun again, and honest to Pete this is what I got.  The title says it all.)

10. And lastly, the theme song of your fertility journey:
Ten Day Heartbreak – Steven Schwartz (If this was called the “14 day heartbreak”, it would be perfect.  I feel like so much of my life is spent on a roller coaster broken into 2 week spans.)

I should note that in addition to John Denver, I’m also a musical theatre freak.  I know you guys are thinking I’m about one post away from starting with “This one time – at band camp…”  Anyway, I couldn’t help be struck by the fact that I have about 3500 songs loaded and of the 10 that came up, 7 were either cast recordings or Broadway composers.  You can imagine how thrilled LG is when I’m in charge of music selections!

Thanks, Sarah, for the idea.  That was fun!  I’d love to see what others come up with.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

First, title shout-out to John Denver! In the spirit of full disclosure, I must share that I am a John Denver aficionado. (Pause for those who are so inclined to snicker and comment upon my relative coolness. I’ll help you out there…I lack even a single cool gene.)  When I was growing up, I had a John Denver 2-record LP (I think it was An Evening with John Denver), that I played over and over until I wore out the grooves…and my parent’s nerves. The song Matthew gets me every time.  I’m also a giant fan of the Muppets and Colorado as these three things are all inextricably linked.

Anyway…so not the point, but thanks for indulging me. Here’s the real reason for this post. I need your advice, my Netty Friends. As part of my strategy for coping in the event of a BFN, I have convinced LG that should this cycle be a bust, we will (a) take a break for a few months…that being all my “Advancing Maternal Age” will allow, and (b) take a fabulous (and much needed) vacation. This doesn’t mean I’ve thrown in the towel on it by any means, but just that I need something to counterbalance…something to look forward to and plan for in the event things don’t go our way.

So, the question I have for you is…where shall we go? I’d love to hear any and all recommendations. Just for context, here’s a couple of things about our current vacation habits:

• I’m a bit embarrassed to admit this given how much travel I do for work and because I wish I was more adventurous …but, I’m kind of a nervous traveler.  Mostly what I worry about is language barriers or needing medical attention  in a foreign country (which actually happened to me in Bucharest so not a totally unfounded fear).  That being said, I know I’m missing out on seeing the world and all its cultures and glories, and I want to get past my niggling worries.  So, if your amazing adventures have taken you to non-English speaking locales, what’s your advice for getting around?  What things should we definitely see and do?

• LG and I are – at the heart of the matter – loungers (feel free to read that as lazy …me more so than LG).  With the exception of one great trip to Victoria, BC, all of our vacations have been to beach locales, where we do very little except take a beach walk in the morning and then follow that up with a day spent reclining on the beach and/or eating and drinking.   When people say they would get bored lying on a beach for more than a day or so,  I know not what they speak of.  If lounging were an Olympic event, I would the be the Michael Phelps (minus the b.ong) of the sport.   I love these types of vacations as they are completely rejuvenating, so I’d love to hear about your favorite spots.

I’ve got TripAdvisor at the ready and am ready to hear your ideas!

Oh, and in cycle news…went in for my first monitoring this morning.  I was pretty disappointed in the follicle count.  I’ll report more once I speak to the nurse.  I don’t want to get all worked up unnecessarily, which I’m often wont to do.

Cheers!

Take Two

So, I’m back after all – albeit with new digs.  In my last entry (which seems like forever ago in my hormonal-fueled emotional state but was actually just over a week or so), I shared the news that I was shutting down the blog due to LG’s discomfort with the general concept of putting our (his) personal biz on the internet.  All true, but the one detail not included in the first rendition is that the thing that sent him over the edge was the fact that I shared the original blog address with my sister.  Now to me, what’s the big deal, because it wasn’t like she was going to read anything in the blog that we hadn’t already discussed ad nauseam, but to him it crossed the line as it removed any chance at complete anonymity.

After many tears (it was quite surprising to me how quickly I grew to need this avenue and this community as an outlet), recriminations, tense silences and whatnot, we finally got to a place that we could have a rational discussion about what each of us was feeling and needing in the situation.  He needed to know that his need for privacy was being respected by not creating a written record on the wide world of Internets that could be linked back to our family, and I needed a place to write down my feelings about what we’re dealing with and get support from an amazing group of people who find themselves on the same unfortunate road but still travel it with grace, dignity, and kindness.  So…

Patience Song is now officially May the Road Rise.  It will still be a place where I share my thoughts, feelings, opinions and hopefully make some connections along the way, but it will not be shared with anyone IRL.  The name change was part of our agreement.  I’m actually saddened by that, because it took me a long time to come up with the original name, and once I did I instantly felt a strong connection to it, but such is life and the spirit of compromise.  The new name comes from the traditional Irish blessing, and I am struck by the imagery of a (winding) road taking us to meet our children to be.

Now back to regularly scheduled programming…cycle updates.

I start stims tonight, and I am ready!!  Being on Lupron for more than 3 weeks has taken its toll, and I’m looking forward to balancing things out a bit.  Since I overstimmed last time and Dr. Yacht feels that may have impacted egg quality, we’re dialing it down a bit this go-around.  Same medications, just lower dosages to start.   No baseline this time due to the Lupron, so I go in for the first cam/vampire (i.e. Ultrasound & Bloodwork) treatment on Wednesday.  Let’s do this!

Mini-Update

In response to AF’s unannounced arrival on Saturday and our subsequent freakout due to my travel schedule coupled with the completely unhelpful input from the weekend nurse on call, I roused poor LG from his very comfy sleep at about 5:30 this morning so that we could be front and center at the clinic when it opened this morning.

I told the receptionist that I was there because the on-call nurse told us we needed to come in for B/W and and U/S. OK, so she didn’t really say that…the conversation went more like this:

Me: I’m doing Dr. Yacht’s February cycle, and I was told to call when my period started. That’s today, but I’m going out of town for Cycle Days 3 through 5, so, um…what should I do?

Nurse TotallyUnhelpful: Well, now, I don’t know.

Me: Should I maybe just go to the clinic Monday morning just in case?

Nurse TotallyUnhelpful: Sure, whatever, that sounds like a good idea.

Close enough.

Anyway, to my utter shock, they fit me in, and I even got the one u/s tech that deigns to tell you what she’s actually looking at on her Magic 8 Ball machine.

Little sketchy on details from that point on.  Since I was going to be on a plane, we made a point of giving them LG’s number to call so that he could get the all important numbers from the bloodwork and ask some of our questions of our regular nurse, and they decided to call on the home phone instead (WTF?) and just leave a breezy message – Continue the Lupron!   OK, then.   All in all, though, I’m feeling better about things.   We didn’t miss the window and we now have a date to start stims (2/1), so at least for now, all systems are go.

Spreading the News

Megan, over at bottoms off and on the table, had a great post telling her IVF story and wishing she could share that with her family.  It got me to thinking about one of the things I’ve grappled with over the past year of decisions, treatments, and disappointments – what to tell to whom.   LG and I have made very different decisions on that front.  I am extremely close to my mother and sister, and so they have known right from the start and have been great about asking me how things are going and providing support.  My sister, in particular, has a true gift for knowing exactly what needs to be in said in the moment – whether that’s just to provide a listening ear, to offer advice or support, or even to gently bring me back on track when I’m spinning a bit.  I am incredibly grateful for this as I know from reading other people’s blogs that so many people aren’t able to get that kind of support from their families.

I’ve also been pretty open about things at work…almost to a fault sometimes.  Part of that is that I’m just a pretty open person, but another big part is that while I can keep secrets like a vault when it comes to other people (a job requirement in HR), I have a hard time holding onto my own secrets.  They rattle around in my head until the slightest little thing said by someone else triggers the floodgates.  If someone asks me a direct question – I’m done for.  If I ever find myself on a witness stand (heaven forbid), I will wither and crumble under the first “Isn’t it true…”

During my first cycle, my boss as well as most of the people on my team were aware not only about our difficulties, but also that I was in the midst of an IVF cycle.   The reason for this was the thought of having to hide things or make up excuses for why I couldn’t travel the way I typically do made me more anxious than telling them did.  Having the reality of the situation out there just made the whole thing easier in my mind.  As time has gone on though, I’ve become much less comfortable with people knowing.  This was driven home after my first BFN when people would ask about it, and I’d have to put on a perky smile and blather some BS like “didn’t work this time, but we’re keeping our spirits up…!”  As a result, I’ve gone underground.  My boss knows about the upcoming cycle, but that’s about it.

LG, on the other hand, has told NO ONE.  Not even his sister who he talks to on the phone several times a week.  She’s knows we’re trying, so probably figures something is up, but they follow the family equivalent of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell when it comes to each other’s personal life.  That is so incredibly foreign to me just as it is mindblowing to him (although he’s getting used to it) that my mom, sister, and I provide each other nearly daily bulletins on all things big and small.   He just takes a very different approach when it comes to sharing any thing beyond his opinions on great guitarists and current events.  Knowing that about him makes me all the more grateful for how open he is when communicating with me.  It makes me appreciate how special it is that he’s chosen to share himself with me in that way.

So, this time around, I’m going to take the middle road between LG’s communication style and mine – limiting the news to my mom and sister, my boss, and then of course, the Internets.  I’m so grateful to everyone who’s stopped by and especially those who’ve left comments.  Many of you are cycling at the same time, and I look forward to following your journeys and cheering you on.

Update

Just as I predicted in my post below.  AF arrived this afternoon – with no advance notice.  It’s next to impossible to get anyone from my clinic on the phone on the weekend, but finally managed to get the on-call nurse to phone me back.  I don’t know her as she isn’t one of Dr. Yacht’s dedicated nurses. She told me that she  “doesn’t know” if I need a Day 3 baseline.  Well, that makes two of us, sister.  Her suggestion was that I just show up at the clinic Monday morning and try to find someone who does know and, if I do need the cam/vampire treatment, to beg/plead/cajole/bribe them into fitting me into the always packed Monday schedule – hopefully before I have to leave for the airport for my work trip to NYC.  I plan to take LG with me as the heavy.

Portending Signs

I don’t have a good feeling about this cycle – and we haven’t even really started.  I know that’s a terrible mindset to have – positive thinking and all – but I just keeping getting weird vibes (and I’m not a vibe kind of gal) that this timing isn’t meant to be.

We got our BFN on 12/19 (Merry Christmas) and our WTF meeting on January 2 (Happy New Year).  At that appointment, our RE, whom henceforth I shall refer to as Dr. Yacht* was very reassuring.  We learned a lot…blah blah blah.  When we asked about timing for trying again, he felt that it would be fine for us to try for the February cycle**.  I told him I was on CD 15, and he said – no problem.  We’ll just skip OCP’s and start you on Lupron on CD 21, and we’re good to go.

Well, fast forward a couple of days to Cycle 20 – no Lupron has arrived.  I was out of town for work, so LG phoned the clinic to make sure the order had been placed and was on its way.  We were assured yesiree, everything was fine.  I went in on CD 21 for bloodwork and at LG’s insistence (he wishes I would push the doctors and nurses much harder for answers), we waited to talk to our nurse to double check since we still hadn’t heard  from the pharmacy, which is out of state.  Whoopsie – no order had been placed and now the pharmacy we have to use for insurance couldn’t get it to us in time.  So…I had to stay home from work, make a million phone calls, and finally take 2 buses to a local pharmacist (who apparently just does fertility and veterinary compounds…weird), to get the Lupron in order to start it that night as scheduled.  This caused the first flutter of hesitation – maybe we’re trying to do this too soon.

Then, I got the stim schedule from our IVF coordinator, whom LG and I call Little Miss Sunshine, because she is anything but.  Sometime, I’ll write the story of our first IVF consult.  Good times.  The schedule is clearly wrong because it has me taking OCP’s until late January then starting Lupron (which, incidentally, I had started 4 days previously).  Bad sign #2 – nobody seems to know what the hell protocol we’re doing.  I e-mailed her to clarify, but of course heard nothing back.  Fortunately, Dr. Yacht’s nurses are pretty great at responding, so I e-mailed one of them and she told me no problem – keep on with the Lupron and then call when you get your period.

That brings us to bad sign #3.  Oh, AF…where are you?  I am now closing in on Day 34 with nary a stomach cramp or sore boob in sight.  Of course, I am traveling next week Monday through Wednesday, so with my luck it will start today making me completely miss the window for the Day 3 workup.  Not liking this, folks.

I know these are small things, but they all contribute to this nagging sense that the stars just aren’t aligned this go around.  I’m trying to break that cycle of thought, because I know it does me no good, but it keeps rattling around in there.  I have a little retail therapy planned for today – doing my part for the economy, you know – maybe that will help.

*I really do like our RE, but whenever I see him, I always flash to a scene of a dapper (and very tan) guy dressed in white pants, topsiders, and a bright-colored polo shirt disembarking from his 80-foot yacht to go see the adoring ladies of his clinic.  (The yacht that I and my fellow clinic compadres are most likely funding.)

**For some reason I’ve yet to figure out, my clinic forces everyone to the same schedule.  ER’s and ET’s are only done 1 week a month so they get everyone on the same schedule via luck and hormones.  If your cycle doesn’t cooperate that month – you’re screwed until the next window.  Does anyone else’s clinic take this approach? Do you know why they do that?  Is it some medical philosophy – or for convenience sake (for the doctors that is)?

Guilt

I often tease LG and tell him that he must have been a Jewish or Catholic mother in another life, because he is extremely skilled at the art of friendly guilt.  Even my Irish Catholic mother, whom I thought had the lock on the title, could pick up a few tricks from him.

The one thing he has never ever ever made me feel guilty about is my inability to give him the children he so desperately wants.  Even though our diagnosis is unexplained, his SA was picture perfect, so that leaves me and my half-ass reproductive system looking like the culprit.

I remember a time pretty early on when were dating – a couple months or so after we had started having the “no agenda it just ROCKS”  sex versus the methodical and “we have to do it NOW,  we’re in the window-sex” that would come later.  We were sitting by the lake near our house, and he looked at me and with incredible tenderness asked me about my scars.  My body bears the marks of the rather tumultuous relationship I have had with health over the years.  I have significant stretch marks everywhere (without the benefit of every actually being pregnant), due to severe childhood asthma that required high doses of corticosteroids over an extensive period of time.  I also have pretty dramatic scarring from the surgery which removed my right ovary, fallopian tube, and several lymph nodes due to (thankfully) very early stage ovarian cancer.   His question surprised me, but because he asked with such genuine interest and caring, I felt comfortable telling him everything.  He listened, and stroked my arm, and then quietly asked me, “Can you have kids?”  This is a man who has been telling his friends for years that he wants 5 kids.   I told him that there was no reason to believe that I couldn’t.  That people get pregnant with one ovary all the time and the doctors said there was no reason to think I’d have any issues.  (Of course, to be fair, they did say that 10 years ago…).   He kissed me and we went on with our day, but from that point on, I knew without a doubt how important being a father is to him.

I have always known how much he wants to be a father.  If it’s possible, maybe even more than I’ve dreamed about being a mother.  And because of me, this is a dream of his (ours) that is so far – and maybe forever – elusive.  I feel horribly guilty about that.  On some very deep scary level,  I worry that if it doesn’t happen for us (to date he hasn’t wanted to talk about adoption or other alternatives, but it may just be too early for him for that), that something will be lost in our relationship because he feels deprived of what he’s wanted for so long.  He’s never given me any reason to think that…but there it is all the same.   I desperately hope – for both of us – that we find our way to the family we both dream about.

Right back at ya, Universe!

I think at some point all of us dealing with infertility feel at some point that the universe is flipping us a giant bird by arranging for constant reminders of what eludes us at every turn. I am having one of those weeks – and given that I’m under the influence of Lupron – not dealing with it well. May I illustrate…

Yesterday, after doing a careful inventory of my left-over meds from IVF #1 to send to my coordinator in preparation for IVF #2, I logged onto my e-mail to send the list her way. There, in my inbox, was an e-mail with the always clever “Hello Stranger” subject line from a former co-worker with whom I have not spoken for at least 2 years. Since I’ve made it my New Year’s Resolution to try to reconnect with former friends who have faded away due to time and circumstance, I eagerly opened it. The first part was harmless – just telling me about her change of jobs. The second part read as follows:

“I also have some personal news… I am having a baby in about 3 months! We are very excited for our little surprise! I guess life happens :-)”

Why yes, I suppose life does happen. Just not to me — at least with respect to surprise babies… Not even with drastic medical intervention come to think of it. I was surprised by the funk that this e-mail kicked off. Up until now, I’ve been pretty lucky in that I could genuinely say that pregnancy news in others didn’t kick of a maelstrom for me, but this was different. I think it was the “whoopsie” like manner in which the news was presented. (In fairness to this person, she has no idea that we’re dealing with this, so this wasn’t an issue of insensitivity – just bad timing.)
The second reminder is a little harder to compartmentalize, because I’m in the throes of dealing with it at work. I work in HR and manage a team of 9 – all women. As of today, I have 1 person out on mat leave (in Canada no less, where mat leaves are a year – definitely a topic of another post), 1 going on mat leave in February (also in Canada), and 1 who just let me know today that she will not be returning from mat leave. Much of my time at work as of late is trying to figure out how I’m going to cover for all of these – particularly since given the economy, it’s likely I won’t be able to replace some or all.*  The irony of simultaneously feeling both horribly put out from a manager’s standpoint and personally jealous is not lost on me. I don’t begrudge any of these women (2 of whom did not have an easy road getting there) their happiness, but enough already. You know how when you buy a new car and just about every 3rd car you see on the road is the same as yours? Well, here’s the deal, universe – I haven’t bought the car! I’d appreciate a little break on the pregnancy reminder drive-bys!

Edited to Add:  In Canada, because maternity leaves are a year, it’s common to bring someone in on 12 month term contract to cover the workload while the person is on leave.  Didn’t want people to think that I meant permanently replace.  Full compliance with FM.LA and all applicable Canadian laws here!

Inaugural Post

Starting something new is always hard – where to begin…? While I’m a bit of a latecomer to the world of blogging, I’ve recently become very entrenched (at least by way of lurking) in a particular blogging community – that of my fellow adventurers in infertility. Now I’ve decided to jump in with both feet – both by capturing my own story here in this blog and also by commenting on those that have been such an important part of my journey thus far. Here’s the short version – more to come as the story unfolds. I’m 37 years old and married to an amazing guy – I’ll call him LG here (not his initials but rather shorthand for the nickname we use for each other). It took us a long time to find each other, but we finally did and now have a year of marriage under our belts. We knew we wanted a family, and because of our ages (he’s 43) and my medical history – my right ovary and fallopian tube were removed about 10 years ago due to borderline ovarian cancer – we started trying right away – literally on our 1st night of marriage . While I was not then the scholar on all things TTC that I would later come to be, I knew enough to know it was the ideal time of the month and naively thought we were going to have a honeymoon baby. In fact, I worried about having kids before we really had time to enjoy our new marriage. Fast forward 6 months filled with temp charting and nearly obsessive tracking of all other activities in the general area of impact. At that point, we realized things weren’t going to be that easy. We were prepared to wait the requisite year, but instead followed the advice of a friend who had gone before who advised us to take matters in our owns hand and go to an RE right away. So we went and did all of the testing, and…na da. Unexplained. That being said, our RE suggested we go straight to IVF. Needless to say, we left that appointment like a deer in headlights. We were expecting a lecture on patience, and instead came out with a binder full of forms. After much conversation, debate, and a few tears (mine), we decided to go straight to the big show. And there the story begins.